Look, I’m Bad at This
Let’s be real here. I’m not some life coach or self-help guru. I’m just a guy named Tom who lives in Portland and has spent the last 20 years saying “yes” to everything. And honestly? It sucks.
I’m talking about that constant feeling of being stretched too thin. The 36 hours I spent last month working on a project for a friend of a friend. The time I volunteered to organize the neighborhood potluck and the school bake sale and the community theater’s fundraiser. All in the same weekend. Which, by the way, was a complete disaster.
So yeah. I’m not good at setting boundaries. But I’m learning. And here’s what I’ve figured out so far.
That Time I Said Yes to Everything
It was about three months ago, at a conference in Austin. I was sitting with my colleague named Dave, and we were talking about work. He said, “Tom, you’re always so reliable. Can you take on this new project?” And I said yes. Immediately. Without even thinking about it.
Which was stupid. Because I was already working 60-hour weeks. I was exhausted. I was forgetting to eat lunch. I was snapping at my wife for no reason. But did I say no? No, I did not.
And that’s when it hit me. I was committing to things out of habit, not because I actually wanted to do them. I was people-pleasing my way into an early grave.
Why Saying No Feels So Hard
I think it’s because we’re all afraid of letting people down. Or maybe we’re afraid of missing out. Or maybe we just don’t know how to say no without feeling guilty. I mean, look at it this way: when someone asks you to do something, it feels nice, right? It feels like they value you. It feels like you’re needed.
But here’s the thing: saying yes to everything doesn’t make you valuable. It makes you a doormat. And that’s not a good look for anyone.
I remember talking to my friend Marcus about this. He said, “Tom, you’re like a human sponge. You absorb everyone’s problems and their expectations and their demands. And then you wonder why you’re so drained all the time.” Which… yeah. Fair enough.
The Power of Saying No
So I decided to try something radical. I decided to say no. Just for a week. To see what would happen.
And you know what? The world didn’t end. In fact, it was kinda liberating. I said no to taking on extra work. I said no to volunteering for every committee at my kid’s school. I said no to hosting the family Thanksgiving dinner. And guess what? I had time to breathe. I had time to relax. I had time to actually enjoy my life.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you should become a hermit and never help anyone ever again. But maybe, just maybe, you should think about what you’re committing to. And whether it’s really worth your time and energy.
And if you’re not sure how to say no, here’s a little trick I learned. Instead of saying “yes” right away, try saying “Let me think about it.” Give yourself some time to really consider whether you want to take on that extra project or commitment. And if you decide you don’t, then just say “No, thanks. I can’t do it this time.” It’s simple. It’s polite. And it’s completely okay.
When to Say No (And When to Say Yes)
Of course, there are times when you should say yes. Like when your boss asks you to do something important. Or when a friend really needs your help. Or when you genuinely want to do something because it makes you happy.
But if you’re saying yes out of guilt or obligation or fear of missing out, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate. Because saying no isn’t selfish. It’s self-care. And it’s something we should all do more often.
And look, I’m not gonna lie. I still struggle with this. There are days when I slip back into old habits and say yes to everything. But I’m getting better. And I’m learning to set boundaries. And I’m learning to put myself first.
So if you’re out there, feeling overwhelmed and stretched too thin, just remember: it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to put yourself first. And it’s okay to take a break. Because you deserve it. And honestly, so do I.
Oh, and One More Thing…
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Anyway, that’s my take on saying no. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. And it’s something we should all do more often. So go forth and say no. Your sanity will thank you.
About the Author
Tom is a senior magazine editor with 20+ years of experience. He lives in Portland with his wife, two kids, and a cat named Mr. Whiskers. He’s still learning to set boundaries, but he’s getting there. Follow him on Twitter @tom_edits.
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